I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, struggling to breathe and had a hard- time getting back to sleep. I had awful nightmares and it kept coming back for weeks, haunting me over and over again.
It’s been years..
I thought everything was over and done..
That I had moved on….
Few hours later, the sun was up, I had a terrible headache and I decided to rest instead of working. I thought that maybe after a good sleep and rest, I’d be fine.
I decided not to entertain these thoughts, trying my best to snap out of it. I didn’t tell anyone of what’s going on with me coz I hate to have another petty arguments about it. Besides, I hate talking about it. Unfortunately, that didn’t work for me. The more I tried ignoring these thoughts, the more I struggle to get rid of it.
I easily get irritated by people. I stopped doing what I love to do. I stopped posting in social media. Before, I can’t help myself know everyone what I’m up to and I don’t seclude myself from my colleagues. I usually volunteer and all of a sudden, I lost the appetite for it.
After a few days, I couldn’t eat well. It feels like my stomach is churning and the food is going up and got myself choking from it. Or worse, I go straight to the sink and puke.
I was offered to eat foods that I like the most to make me feel better like fruits, dark chocolates, pasta and pancakes. But it seems like this gloominess has taken over me, laughter was scarce and my happiness seemed to be fake.
This was not so me..
I went to see a doctor and was diagnosed of a come-back sickness called GERD or in other terms acid reflux. He kept asking me questions trying to dig in more of the root cause of my illness and was told it could be stress and anxiety which led me to depression.
Me? Depressed? Too anxious? WTH.
I cried so many times for no reason, like my tears automatically drops and sadness is eating me up. I was losing control over my emotions and there were times, I started screaming. With all the cloudiness in my head, I feel like everything was a mess. It feels like my world is breaking up into pieces.
It’s time to seek help…
MY REALIZATIONS WHILE OVERCOMING ANXIETY
It’s okay not to be okay.
People has that impression of me being a strong woman. It was a little tough for me to admit that I was in the midst of depression. I didn’t notice myself being too anxious until someone told me that I was. Perhaps, it became a habit that feels like normal and okay but was really unhealthy. Overthinking usually makes me feel ready for what I’m facing, just like analyzing but in this case, it doesn’t help. Since the problem all along was me and not something else. I remember seeing a quote from Jacques Benign Bossuel that says:
“The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak.”
Talk to someone about it.
Sometimes, we all need that one good vent out to people we really trust. After all, talking is a part of the therapy. It was hard at first because I don’t want people to know and involving them is the least on my list. So what I did, I opened-up everything to my husband first. When I felt better, I told my d-group leader about it too. I realized that it was easier to share it, than just keeping it to myself. In fact, I got lots of encouraging words from them.
If it’s something you really can’t share in your circle and feeling so hopeless and almost suicidal. There’s this website that has a 24/7 line ready to listen to you without worrying about your identity as they value your privacy. I got this noted during a #BDJFair2016 talk with Kate Alvarez of KateWasHere.
Crisis Line Philippines: 893-7606 or 893-7603
Still feeling worse? It’s time to speak with a psychiatrist. It doesn’t mean that you’re completely going nuts, you just need a little help, perhaps counseling or a therapy would work for you.
Do something you enjoy and love doing the most.
I got my journal and I started writing to myself as if I was giving a piece of advice to own that everything is under control, that there’s nothing to be worried about. I was comforted through my written thoughts that says, GOD LOVES YOU. It feels like I’m gaining back my composure after a great storm. I also opened up the Bible and started reading again like I used to. I felt so at ease and at peace.
Free yourself from toxic people and maintain healthy relationships.
When I had my 101 talk with my husband, he said I was the one who always got the positive vibes in my pocket and I never ran out of it. True. That is because I never talk what my issues were and I just listened to him venting out almost everyday. Perhaps, I was absorbing the toxicity of his day plus mine was also kept inside my pocket and it all burst out, since it’s full. Now, we both agreed to listen from each other and then pray about it so we can get a good release from a heavy burden.
Take care of your body.
This is something that I need to work on. I love coffees and chocolates so much and the problem now is, it irritates my tummy as it gives me too much acid. Perhaps, minimizing my intakes is the only thing I could sacrifice. Life is boring without caffeine. Sleeping is another problem too, late night movie watching and devotional readings were my habits before sleeping. Exercising is scarce. I enjoy doing Yoga sessions weekly but I guess, I need to give myself a little adrenaline rush by running or brisk walking. Healthy lifestyle is a must in order to be well.
Be good and feel good about yourself.
It all boils down with how we feel about ourselves. Always remember not to please anyone or everyone but ourselves more importantly. If we don’t feel good about the way we look, do something. Wear make-up, dress up or maybe find a new hobby or passion. Anything that can make us feel confident and that will boost our self-esteem. Sometimes, people tend to look down on us because we neglect to maintain a good appearance. I’m not saying that we need to be beautiful or handsome everyday. Just as long as we look good and feel good is okay. Stop being harsh, reward yourself if you have to. Notice that I kept saying WE so that I, would not be stressed. lol
Keep a positive outlook and have faith.
Recently, I bumped into a collection of Bible verses online post that made me feel really good since God’s comforting words is something we can always hold on to, in times of weariness, reassurance, strength and love. He is our ultimate encourager, refuge and redeemer. Perhaps if you want a list, here’s one I can recommend. Read Thought Catalogue’s, post here.
With all these happening, I kept reminding myself that my past has no hold of me. It was all over and gone. It takes time to heal. I’ve won the battle long ago and moving on is still a choice to make everyday.
♥ Believe that you can overcome each waves until you can finally rise up and enjoy a great surf ride on the next waves to come. ♥
Cheers to a good life,
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